Tuesday, April 11, 2017

What I've Learned About Grief

Time goes by so quickly. I have had my blog for over a year now. Over the last year I've been on TV several times, I have shared recipes, diy projects, awesome deals, made money, received awesome products and told all about our infertility journey, miscarriages and infertility treatments. I've met so many wonderful people and have received so much support. I hope to return the favor to each of you. I'm going to continue blogging and sharing my experiences. It's become such a rewarding hobby. If you are a mother that is grieving, my heart hurts for you and you are in my prayers.

To say the past 3 months have been the hardest, most painful months of my life would be a huge understatement. Our baby girl was stillborn at 30 weeks when I had a placental abruption, causing hemorrhaging and internal bleeding. My body went into DIC and I almost died. I received 40 units of blood during a mass blood transfusion, was transferred to the ICU, and spent a week in the hospital. I really feel prompted to share the things I've learned so far about grieving. I know it's an ongoing process, and that everyone is different, but these are my personal experiences. I hope they can help someone who may be grieving right now and feels alone.  

It's the worst pain I've ever gone through. Losing a child is the worst, most awful pain that any human being will go through. At first I felt like my heart was broken and someone was constantly punching the wind out of me. It's a crippling, time stopping kind of pain. I felt weak because I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop being sad the week after our baby's funeral. Then I realized this is not an easy thing to go through. And it's okay to hurt. It's okay to be sad. And it's okay if the pain never goes away. It has lessened to where I feel like I can breathe a little now, but it's a constant pain I feel in a small part of my heart. Always. Every single day. I don't know if that will go away since I'm only a few months into this, but I do know I will always have a spot from my heart in Heaven.

It's okay to have emotions all over the place. I have really hard days, really good days, hard weeks, long months and happy moments in between. And that's okay. It's alright to be happy and sad at the same time. It's okay if I laugh with my other kids and smile! I want them to know that you can be happy even if you are sad that someone is gone. I want them to know that I'm grateful even if this is so hard. I've been dealing with PTSD and there's time that I just physically feel like I can't do something. And that's okay. It's okay if I cry uncontrollably for half a day. It's okay to hug my kids so tight and watch them sleep at night. It's okay to not want to leave my husband's side. It's okay to smother my family in so much love that I seem like a stalker. It's okay to feel like I'm not in control. It's okay to still be recovering from almost dying. It's okay to be tired and take a nap. It's okay to not know how I am going to feel from one minute to the next. It's okay to not know how to feel. It's okay to try and give back because my heart was touched. It's okay to not be the same person that I once was. It's okay to have a new normal. It's okay to miss my baby more than words can describe. It's okay that I spend hours at her grave. It's okay to look at her pictures everyday. It's okay if I don't care if my story will make others sad or uncomfortable. It's okay to realize that I'm a victim of the worst tragedy in my life and that I'm also a walking miracle from that same day. It's okay that my priorities have changed. It's okay that there isn't a right way to grieve. Just as long as I don't give up. As long as every morning I get up prepared to survive another day and enjoy the moments I have with my family here on earth, then it's okay to have whatever emotions I have.

God has shown His love to us through angels here on Earth. We have had so much support from family, friends, ward members, people in the community, coworkers, nurses, doctors and complete strangers. I feel like Heavenly Father knows exactly when I need something and that always comes from someone else. A couple weeks ago I was having a hard day as I approached my due date. As I said my morning prayers I asked God if he could even see how hard of a day I was having. Later that evening a relative of my husband's who also lost a baby over 30 years ago, called me and shared a story someone had given her during the passing of her baby. It gave me so much comfort and was an answer from Heavenly Father telling me that he does know the pain I'm going through and that I'm not alone. I've come to realize who is really there for us and who really love us. I have realized there are so many people who care for us and who are sad with us. I know that everyone that has been so supportive and offered comfort to us since our baby passed away, has followed promptings from Heavenly Father. They have been great examples of how to be Christ-like and they are the people who truly love us. The kindness of everyone continues and someone offers us support on a daily basis. I know Heaven is helping pull me through this trial and I know that Heavenly Father and Our Savior are always there. I know that Our Savior knows exactly how I feel and how extreme my pain is emotionally as well as physically and that He will help carry me through this trial. I know that I will receive blessings from this.

The Keeper of the Crayons

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