"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in. That's what this storm is all about. Grow through what you go through."
A sweet friend sent me this quote last weekend and I loved it. I had a very hard week and was really struggling emotionally. When I read this quote it made me stop and think about how I've grown so much since our infertility treatments, after my miscarriages and especially since losing my sweet baby Lucy. My husband took our kids out dove hunting and picked some beautiful sunflowers for our baby girl. It made my heart so happy and I took them up to her grave. I sat there admiring how beautiful it all looked. Fall will always hold a special place in my heart. This is the time of year when my husband proposed, it's the time of year that I've been pregnant with all of my babies, it's the time of year that my grandma passed away and it's the time of year when I had my first miscarriage, two years ago. While fall holds some hard memories, it holds more happy ones than sad ones. I feel like every fall I look back on the year before and realize how much I've grown. Grief has a crazy way of making you into a completely different person. Whether that is grief from losing a child or from infertility, it changes who you are in so many ways. I'm definitely not the same person I was the day that my husband proposed to me, but I am kind of glad that I'm not. I feel like that care free girl back then took the little things for granted. I never stopped to admire a sunflower or to think about all the ways my testimony has grown. Lucy has helped me to realize life is so short and every little thing needs to be cherished. My testimony now is stronger than ever. I not only appreciate Our Savior's atonement more, but I have found so much comfort in knowing that He is the only one who truly knows the pain and sadness I feel. He is the only one who knows how much I love and miss my daughter Lucy. He is the only one who truly knows how much I cherish my other children and my husband. He is the only one that sees the broken pieces of my heart and the darkness that surrounds me on my bad days. And He is the only one that can bring the light back into view when the emotional pain is just too much. I know that He is always there and having faith helps us grow in ways that we can't see until we look back. This storm is changing me for the better. Even though my heart and spirit might be missing a few petals, it will still be for the better. While the crushing, time stopping, emotional pain of my baby passing away is beyond compare to anything else, so is the growth. Heavenly Father and Our Savior know what storm we need to achieve the growth that will make us become who we need to be.
The Keeper of the Crayons